Sunday, March 11, 2007

Wordsmith of the Week

Dr Dork (to waiting room):
Mr Simia ?

Mr Simia stands. They enter office.

Dr Dork:
Hello, Mr Simia. Have a seat.

How are you today ?

Mr Simia:
G’day doc. F***ing al’right. Not too f***ing bad. F***ing hot, ‘ay ?

Dr Dork:
Boiling, isn’t it ? So, tell me about…..


Dr Dork:
And what operations have you had before ?

Mr Simia:
Couple ‘a things. My knee was f***ed for years.

Dr Dork:

Mr Simia:
Then Dr Amazing fixed it. ACL. Better than ever. It was f***ing f***ed for years before. He is absolutely f***ing amazing. Best f***ing doctor ever. Does all the footy players. Really f***ing good.

Dr Dork:

Mr Simia:
F*** oath. Good job, mate.

Dr Dork:

Dr Dork:
…and the other operation ?

Mr Simia:
Opened up me f***ing guts and ripped me appendix out. F***ing ripped it out.

Dr Dork:
OK then… the know your appendix didn’t do you any good, anyway ? So no harm in losing it.

Mr Simia:
Well, why the f*** is it there then ? What f***ing good ?

Dr Dork:
Some people would say it is a vestigial evolutionary remnant. Of something useful at an earlier stage..

Mr Simia:
F***ing evolution ? What about that s*** anyway ? What f***ing proof ? Eh ? Why’s it there then if there’s evolution. Why we f***ing evolve it if it's no f***ing good ?

Dr Dork:
Fair, back to.....

Dr Dork avoids imposing his religious or other world views on his patients. He believes it unethical to do so. This was an attempt to reassure gone horribly wrong. Mr S was raring to go for a philosophical debate. Which would have been interesting.

Dr Dork is trying to figure out how to write dialogue effectively. You have been warned.


Bardiac said...

Given the picture and all, you'd get bonus points for blank verse.

XE said...

Oh my. What a mouth! I often wonder why people use so many expletives. I mean, it can't possibly add any positive quality to the conversation. Amusing post though!

jmb said...

I see that "bloody" has been downgraded to the F*** word as the adjective of choice since I left.
I worked for a while in a community pharmacy in a slum/working class area of Sydney. The male pharmacist got the full range of expletives whereas I got the cleaned up version in customer interactions. Not today, I'm sure. Equal opportunity swearing.

Dr Dork said...

Hi bardiac

Hi xavier,
Such an array of an obscenity with such ambiguity of meaning does make it a bit hard to understand.

Howdy JMB,
I'd think that generally there is still a modicum of control when such are speaking to the fairer sex. This chap was far from the norm. Worst potty mouth I've seen in years - even I was offended at some things he said on his mobile (which he answered during the consultation of course).

Kind regards

NeoNurseChic said...

Oh what a lovely patient! What was his age range? Just kinda curious - I have different pictures in my mind depending on if it's a younger guy or middle-aged guy.

You say he was raring for a philosophical debate, but when you take out all the swear words, he wasn't saying much! haha

And then, amidst all that garbage, you throw in "vestigial evolutionary remnant" - I about bust my f***ing guts myself! HA! (kidding there, of course!)

Another day, another dollar....or whatever it is you call it! ;)

Take care!
Carrie :)

Alison said...

Ah for F***'s sake, that's f***ing brilliant that is.

No really, I love your love of Australi-ars-nus.

Pieces of Mind said...

"Mr. Simia." Heh!

Perhaps he is the missing link? ;)

I would say you have hit the mother lode at conveying dialogue - it was very effective!

SeaSpray said...

I know people swear, but I was brought up to believe that people with class, good taste and good manners didn't.

Of course there have been moments in my life where I have used a swear word but definitely far and few between and something extreme was going on. I won't melt if I hear it and I know plenty of people that do and I still adore them, but swearing for me personally is not my cup of tea. And if I do - then I am REALLY ticked, but even then it is rare.

As a matter of fact, it is so rare for me to say something like that that one night I shocked my husband.

(O.k. everyone - come over to my blog for the rest of the story - just kidding - SeaSpray is smiling at you DR. Dork)

This was years ago and we were going through a rough patch in our relationship. We were in the kitchen and he was being ridiculous and not very nice about something. I was just listening, not wanting to respond,but then I snapped and I said" Do you WORK AT BEING A PRICK or does it just come naturally for you??? He was so shocked that those words came out of my mouth and his expression was priceless - he was so taken aback.

He then started to grin (because he knew I called him on it and because the thought of me doing this was indeed amusing - he totally pressed my buttons)then he laughed and so did I.

I have seen the changes in kids over the years while doing ED registration. it used to be that they were more respectful and the only swearing you heard came from the really obnoxious patients/friends that were drunk etc. However, and sadly - it seems to have become common place to throw all kinds of swear words about and not showing respect to anyone. It used to be that girls still acted like ladies and boys at least didn't swear around girls but that seems to be long gone. Of course swear words come out but there is a time and place, maybe for that. I can't believe how a mal e patient could be sitting right across from me and be talking like your patient Dr. Dork and be showing absolutely know respect to me or anyone that comes into the area. I have asked them to please tone it down when kids and others are in the area. Off topic slightly, but I have also noticed an increase in girls coming into the ED because they have been in an altercation.

Most people are respectful - just seems to be increasingly more that aren't. I also view the types that do behave that way as ignorant because who in their right mind would want to come across like that, not even considering the possible negative connotations associated with them? or why would they not even think for a second that they could be the catalyst for someone else feeling uncomfortable - when it is so unnecessary?

SeaSpray said...

Hi Dr Dork - Thank you for the blog roll. Thought you would like to know that you have me listed twice on your site. Thanks!

P.S. Also, sorry about the long comment above - brevity with words not my strong suit. :)

essaybee said...

I saw an article in Scientific American last year that claimed they now think the appendix has an immune system function, mostly in infants and becomes more useless as we age. Googled madly and found it:

"Loren G. Martin, professor of physiology at Oklahoma State University, replies:
"For years, the appendix was credited with very little physiological function. We now know, however, that the appendix serves an important role in the fetus and in young adults. Endocrine cells appear in the appendix of the human fetus at around the 11th week of development. These endocrine cells of the fetal appendix have been shown to produce various biogenic amines and peptide hormones, compounds that assist with various biological control (homeostatic) mechanisms. There had been little prior evidence of this or any other role of the appendix in animal research, because the appendix does not exist in domestic mammals.

"Among adult humans, the appendix is now thought to be involved primarily in immune functions. Lymphoid tissue begins to accumulate in the appendix shortly after birth and reaches a peak between the second and third decades of life, decreasing rapidly thereafter and practically disappearing after the age of 60. During the early years of development, however, the appendix has been shown to function as a lymphoid organ, assisting with the maturation of B lymphocytes (one variety of white blood cell) and in the production of the class of antibodies known as immunoglobulin A (IgA) antibodies. Researchers have also shown that the appendix is involved in the production of molecules that help to direct the movement of lymphocytes to various other locations in the body. "

Can't beleive I'm posting this to a med blog. I'll probably get eviserated in the comments. Heh.

dragonflyfilly said...

i'm wondering what kind of F***ing condition this patient's F***ing spleen is in? -- oh never mind, i'm just trying to be funny! but aside from that "Mr. Simia" may well wonder what proof there is for evolution, obviously he can't be held us as any....(oh, that's nasty of me)

...what EVER!...

cheers, mate!

The Girl said...

Wow. That is the most spectacular over-use of the f-word that I have seen in a long time.
I got a good laugh- thanks for sharing!

Nutty said...

Why did my message disappear? Did I offend?

Godwhacker said...

I AM amused.

Cathy said...

Oh goodness....I agree that once you take away all the swear words he didn't say much...Reminds me of someone I once knew. He could not talk without using that f*** word atleast twice in every sentence.

I am wondering how my Doc's would react if I ever went in their office and mimicked this guy?

Calavera said...

Honestly, what a complete f***ing f***tard.

F***ing people nowadays.


(Sorry, I couldn't resist!! Though I would NEVER speak to a doctor like that!)

Dr Dork said...

Hullo all, sorry so slow at keeping up with comments at present.

In his 50's. He appeared very excited by the prospect of enlightening me on the wonders of either Creationism or ID.

Ken Oath. Ha!

Pieces of Mind,
Ha ha...I was wondering if anyone noticed that, or if people were ignoring the simian reference as a bad pun.

Feel free to say as much or as little as you like. My comments are open to all, and apart from spam I have never yet removed a single comment. I like to think that if you've taken the time to read whatever I have written, such that you wish to comment/discuss/expand/whatever on it, then at the very least a similar courtesy should be returned. I wholeheartedly agree the language has deteriorated in common usage for many reasons. As someone who loves the English language for it's nonpareil depth and diversity, it is sad to see the art of communication so often in absentia.

Thanks - that's interesting - as a nonsurgeon my knowledge of the appendix is limited to where it is and not much more.

I ran screaming - figuratively speaking - at the prospect of the impending debate with Mr ears were already bleeding from his abuse of the English language as it were.

The girl, Godwhacker, glad you and others found it funny...I was worried it would seem angry/dangerous...which it wasn't, this chap was harmless apart from Terminal Potty Mouth.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what might have happened - no message appeared here or in my email (which receives a copy of all comments) as far as I am aware. Blogger gremlins, I imagine. I don't censor comments.

One way to find out..

F*** you too. Ha !

It's kind of liberating, in a way..

Kind regards

Nutty said...

Since my non-appearing message wasn't deleted, I'll have another go.

Twenty five years ago. Me: My machine gun isn't working, sir. Captain: Have you tried stoppage drills? Me: Yes, but it isn't working. Captain: Is the ammo dirty? Me: No, but the gun still isn't working. Exchange continues for some minutes, until finally...Me: Sir, my gun is f***ed. Captain: Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll get you another one.

Sometimes, there's just no substitute for certain words.

Visionary & Medium Extraordinaire said...

2 funny! :D
ROFLMAO Heee heee heee

Moof said...

*ROFL!* Very interesting use of that particular word: noun, adjective, adverb, verb ... and um, expletive!

I would say this "gentleman" has quite an interesting vocabulary.

Sometimes, you must have to wonder who they've closed you into an exam room with ... ;o)

Dr Dork said...

Hi Nutty,
Thanks for clarifying / reiterating. Darn Blogger.

I can only agree wholeheartedly. Similar tale to tell:

Me: Intern in Emergency Medicine Rotation.

Elderly patient triaged as "low-priority" after presenting with 12 hours of "back pain". When seen, turns out has also abdominal pain and altered mental state. On examination, features of an AAA (succintly - a very serious, immediate surgical emergency).

Told the ED boss ("stat", as they say), who went to see the patient whilst delegating me to arranging transfer to a resuscitation bay whilst awaiting the (running) surgical registrar.

Long story short - the ED nursing bed manager explained her slow reaction to my request for immediate shifting literally as "he didn't swear/yell/scream at me..."

Hard to be polite in an ED. Kudos to shadowfax, scalpel et al.

Howdy Moof,

I've seen worse, when I worked in forensic psychiatry, especially. The etymology of the word is fascinating. The consent under the king argument is where I personally lean...

Kind regards

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